


I need help.

by Unique_Username_7



Category: Coiled Geist, anime - Fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-28 15:20:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30141549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unique_Username_7/pseuds/Unique_Username_7





	I need help.

I’m cold. I’m COLD. Stop hurting me. Stop making me feel so miserable. I’m so scared. I’m so afraid. Please, help me. Someone. HELP ME. I want to feel loved. I want to feel accepted. Do I feel either of those things? I don’t feel like I do. I feel. I feel. It’s all about how I feel. I feel pain. I hate others. I hate myself. I hate everything. Kill me. KILL me please. I don’t want any more. I don’t care if I never feel happiness. I rarely feel happiness to begin with. Is that my fault? I don’t think I want to accept the answer “yes”. Maybe I subconsciously interpret that as meaning that I would have to suffer even more to try and get better and nobody would be obliged to help me. That would mean I would deserve to suffer. No, that would mean I have to suffer, and accepting I have to endure even more suffering just makes me want to kill myself. I don’t want to have to endure more suffering. I’m scared. I’m afraid. Please, I want someone to help me. Make me feel better. Somebody, something, MAKE ME FEEL BETTER… or I’ll want to kill myself. I already want to kill myself, and I have for a long time now. It’s only been getting worse over the course of half a decade. Why is that? If someone asked me why I wanted to kill myself, I would be too scared to try and explain because my answer would be unsatisfying. It’s not extreme enough for other people to perceive my suffering as reasonable, and thus I would be rejected and hurt even more. My suffering would be neglected and I might even be hated for it. Please, someone help me. Please, someone, let me express the truth of my pain while I actually feel safe. Maybe it is my fault. Maybe there isn’t a good enough reason for me to feel bad so much. If both of those answers are “yes”, then there would be even less hope for someone ever helping me. I would be neglected or resented for my feelings and no one would want to help me. They’d only reprimand me and tell me to deal with it and make progress already. You’re childish. You’re self-centered. You’re lazy. You’re immature. You’re so unreasonable. It’s your fault. It’s your fault. It’s your fault. It’s your fault. …Please help me. Please love me. I want to tell someone. I want to feel safe around someone. Don’t I deserve that? If I ever asked for something like that, I’d probably just come off as entitled. Why would anyone want to make me feel safe? That is, unless I do something else for them. If I make myself interesting to other people, if I can make them attached to me somehow, then they’ll be more open to loving me, or at least accepting me, or at the very least hearing my problems. I can do it online. If I make content people enjoy and broadcast out to an audience who gets invested enough in it, people will follow me, they’ll be able to encourage me, they’ll be more likely to accept the real me. I want someone to be interested in what I make, and eventually be interested in me. Then, they’ll be getting some compensation out of our interactions, so I won’t just be seen as a worthless, revolting human being. Someone will accept my revolting parts. Even if it’s just one, that will be enough to validate my existence if they understand me deeply enough. On the Internet, there are a lot of terrible people, I know. Though, as long as I keep my real-life identity at a far away distance so they can’t interfere with my personal life, I’ll have a comfortable distance where I can still express my deepest flaws and anxieties and have someone who won’t hurt me for it, at least not too much, since it doesn’t really matter what someone I don’t even know thinks of me anyways. But I want to bond. I want to find a person I can truly depend on for support. I want a friend. I already know creators online who seem open to forging new friendships, since they have a smaller audience and seem pretty emotionally open or vulnerable. One of them must accept me. I follow tons of people on Twitter with small audiences who also might accept me. There will be someone out there. I just need anonymity, so I can discard any interactions which go poorly. I might hurt others in the process, but what do I care about that anyways? I know that my subconscious craves a safe-feeling human connection, putting that above any other desire that’s not immediately gratifying to my emotions. So what if I have no self-control? No one cares about me now anyways, or at least, not enough to accept me as I am now. The best alternative in my mind is to kill myself, so I’ll grab onto anyone and never let them go until they don’t make me feel safe. I want to hurt people. I want to kill people. With all the pain I’ve suffered, I can’t bother to care about anyone else who makes me feel uncomfortable. The only thing that holds me back is fear, as always. I’m so weak, aren’t I? You’ll help me, won’t you?


End file.
